


Apron

by sootonthecarpet



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Frilly apron, Jim bakes things, Kitchen Sex, Light Bondage, Multi, Plot What Plot, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-22
Updated: 2012-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-10 11:26:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/465743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sootonthecarpet/pseuds/sootonthecarpet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim is wearing Molly's frilly pink apron, and this somehow results in her and Seb ravishing him against a kitchen wall. Warning for being essentially pure crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apron

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elesteria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elesteria/gifts).



> This fanfic is proof of why I should NEVER write fanfiction after midnight. I um. I really have no words. This is unedited and unbeta'd for full cracky goodness. I swear normally I write sane, coherent things.

Jim couldn't have given a satisfactory answer as to why he was wearing a frilly pink apron and covered in flour. Well, yes, he could, the apron was Molly's and the flour particles were small enough to disperse into the air, but the point was, he had absolutely no excuse to be baking a cake. Fortunately, Jim Moriarty knew two things. (Well, he knew a lot of things.) One, he was fucking Jim Moriarty and he could fucking well bake a fucking cake if he fucking wanted to, even without an excuse; and two, he had neglected to put on pants (or anything but the apron, in fact) when he got up from bed to make the cake, so he could always pass it off as a seduction-by-baking attempt. He looked at the clock. Ooh, Molly would be home soon, she might tell him whether he should try putting rosewater in the frosting or not--would that go with the cherries in the cake? He wasn't sure... The door made a door sound and Molly's bag hit the floor with a gentle noise. She was terribly messy for the first few minutes after getting home, then she would generally have a fit of tidiness and clean up her things. However, at the moment, she was distracted by Jim. "That's my apron," she pointed out.

"And what are you going to do about it?" He asked coquettishly, underscoring it tastelessly by wriggling his hips at her.

"I'm going to take it back and have some tea," she said, managing to remove it from him from behind him. She kissed his hair quickly and walked away, hanging the apron up and flicking on the kettle. Jim pouted. "But Molly! That could have totally segued into some sort of kinky, kitchen-themed BDSM sexy-fun-tiems!"

"But you're busy, it wouldn't be nice to jump you now, even if I DO want to try spanking you with an egg whisk. I can just punish you later."

"You're taking all the fun out of iiiiit," he whined.

Molly drank her tea very happily on the sofa while Jim continued to work on his cake. It was cooling on the stovetop as he mixed the icing. Fuck teaspoons, he thought, pouring a thin stream of rosewater into the buttercream. He knows that, given how much rosewater makes sense to add for the amount of icing required to ice a whole damn cake, he should have probably thought fuck tablespoons, but he didn't care. He was Jim fucking Moriarty, and also--ooh, Seb's home! Finally, someone who would actually punish him for stealing their... dammit, Seb didn't have a frilly apron. But Jim WAS baking in the buff, maybe that would get them somewhere. Yep, slight smell of gunpowder behind him--Seb had the creepy noiseless tread mastered--and the rather predictable hand on his bum. "You really should wear an apron when cooking, love. You'll get flour all over you."

"I knooooow," Jim pouted, "But Molly took the apron away!"

Seb looked back at him, all sympathy. "Oh, you poor thing. Let me get that for you." He fetched the apron from its hook and walked back to Jim, slipping it over his head and holding both of the ties in one hand. Molly put aside her laptop (CAT PHOTOGRAPHS CAN WAIT, HER BOYS ARE BEING SEXY AGAIN) as Seb took both of Jim's hand in his free hand and tied his hands back with the apron ties. Jim shifted a bit, only enough to pretend it counted as weak struggling. Seb led him by the neck strap of the apron to the hook the apron hangs on, and tugged up a bit, until Jim stood on his tiptoes, making him just tall enough that Seb could slip the strap of the apron over the hook.

"I have to take a shower," he said, pressing himself against Jim for the duration of a single, crushing kiss before quitting the room.

Molly and Jim looked at each other and grinned, then giggled. They both knew Seb was only showering right now so as to build up tension and annoy them, since he knew they actually preferred it when he smelled like sweat and gunpowder instead of soap and steam.

(Meanwhile, Seb mentally apologized for the delay and took a very luxurious and in-depth shower with a lot of exfoliating, because actually, he just really felt all icky and sweaty because he had been hiding in a teeny tiny overheated attic for six hours, pleh. He used one of Jim and Molly's sugar scrubs and that helped some.)

Molly, totally okay with leaving Jim stuck on his tiptoes against the kitchen wall, had left the room for the larger of the two bedrooms. (There were two, the "Let's all be sociable and sleep in the same bed" bedroom and the bedroom any one person could go to for privacy if they got annoyed with having two bedmates all up in their space all the time.) Since they were probably about to have a large quantity of sex, she figured it was best to do a supply run now, rather than later.

Seb had finished his shower (and skipped drying his hair because Seb thinks that massive fluffy disarrayed Seb hair is even less sexy than awkwardly dripping down his spine Seb hair) and returned to Jim. He considered waiting for Molly, but Jim glared at him when he stood back and did nothing, and then he got distracted looking at Jim's thighs and suddenly his head was under the apron and he was giving a blowjob to a half-hard, extremely smug criminal mastermind. Stupid Jim and his mind control, why did Molly get to be immune to it? (Was it because she looked at cat photos all the time? Because Jim was basically a giant cat, so Molly has more built up immunity?) He closed his eyes, paying more attention to the way Jim tasted. Molly had finished by now and was leaning on the wall and watching, quite casually. Eventually, she tapped Seb on the shoulder. He pushed the apron out of the way and glanced up at her, which made her and Jim both giggle because Sebastian Moran looking up and sideways while holding a frilly apron out of the way and with at least two thirds of a cock in his mouth. He glared at them and pulled off carefully, then stood, just as if to say, "Fuck you, I'm still the tallest one in the room, and also I hunt tigers, TIGERS do you hear me, yeah, I'm pretty fucking boss."

They both ignored that particular bit of nonverbal information.

Molly had brought with her a shoebox of a few things she decided would be useful. For the moment, she took out one of Jim's ties--this one he generally used only for dressing as a completely boring person. It wasn't very expensive, and it was machine washable, which is why it generally wound up being the one they used if they felt like using a tie during sex. She stepped in front of him and tied it around his neck, fairly normally except that she'd left the narrow end far longer than the wider end. Before Jim had a chance to go all sassy gay friend on her and scold her for this, she finished her plan by tying a slip knot in the narrow end. "Oh," Jim said, as a sort of unnecessary apology for an action he didn't get a chance to commit. Seb glanced at the cardboard box and rather gleefully dived for it, coming up with the ball gag. (Seb's very fond of Jim in a gag. Molly would rather be the one wearing the gag, but they have a general rule about no mindfuckery during the work week, which means that generally, sexual encounters should, except on Saturday and Sunday, have people in specifically dominant and submissive roles to at least enough of an extent that the one in the gag isn't being very dominant. Molly thinks this is a stupid rule, but at least Seb thinks Jim in a gag is hot.) (Jim generally is fine with most of what they throw at him or ask him to throw at them, because at least those two can keep him entertained and secretly he luuuuuves them they are his bestest friendsssss and he will be with them forever or until he gets bored of them but he probably won't because they are adorable and sexy and just generally entertaining, they ravish him against kitchen walls and things.) Molly waited tolerantly while Seb got the gag onto him, then she unhooked Jim's apron from the wall hook and turned him around, hooking the slip knot in the end of the tie there instead. She untied his hands, and he braced his forearms against the wall. "Leave those there," Seb said, tapping one of them. Jim shrugged. Seb and Molly went about repositioning Jim into a posture that left his arse at less of an awkward angle. (Well, a MORE awkward angle if by awkward you mean sexual looking, but in this case, awkward meant "inaccessible for most attempts at sodomy.") "Alright if I top for now?" asked Molly. Jim nodded. Seb pouted a bit, but did the same. Molly patted Seb's cheek affectionately. Molly undressed herself rather unceremoniously, then took the bottle of lubricant from the shoebox and squeezed some into her hand. She glared at it to make it warm up faster, because the only things she glared at on a regular basis were sex toys anyway and she needed to keep her skills sharp, even if she didn't actually have heat vision like she liked to pretend she did sometimes, like when Sherlock was being smug and facing away from her so she could glare at the back of his head and pretend she was frying his brain a little, but not too much because she liked him sort of, and besides, Jim totally had a crush on him, so she wouldn't want to kill him, just give him a bit of heatstroke so he'd wander around being all mentally foggy, and she would laugh. Oh, the lube was warm, good. She spread it over her fingers and slid one against Jim's entrance. He twitched a bit. Oh, maybe the lube wasn't as warm as she thought. Oh well, they'd done kinkier things with actual ice cubes, less-than-body-heat lubricant was okay. She gently stretched him open until he'd be able to accommodate the strap-on, which Seb rather politely handed to her. Appropriate to its name, she strapped it on. Then she applied lubricant to it--this bit, however, was not in its name. Strapandlubon sounds like some sort of little town, population two dozen people and a flock of sheep. Molly steadied the prosthetic with one hand and placed the other on Jim's hip, pressing into him carefully. He closed his eyes and made a noise a bit like a hum, low and continuous, breaking off when she started up a rhythm. Seb took a step closer, close enough that the tip of his cock brushed Molly's hip, and he rested one hand on Molly's lower back and fisting the other one around Jim's erection. Jim shuddered slightly, hands tensing against the wall. Molly built a pace up slowly, Seb deferring to it and following with the motions of his hand on Jim, until Jim was rolling his hips back against them and the gag was serving to muffle soft cries. Seb bent to nip along the outline of Jim's scapula, twisting his wrist at the end of each stroke, and Jim shut his eyes tightly, almost whimpering as he spent himself. Molly withdrew carefully and removed the strap-on, setting it back in the shoebox, and tossed Seb a condom. Jim stood up a bit straighter and removed the gag, although he left the apron and the improvised collar in place. He leaned against the wall by one shoulder, so as to face Seb as he rolled on the condom. Seb placed both hands on Molly's waist and tugged upwards enough to hint that he planned on lifting her, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He lifted her properly, hooking her legs over his elbows. Jim blinked.

"Er, Seb, isn't that one of those overly theatrical don't-try-this-at-home pornography poses that's a terrible idea in real life?"

Molly shrugged. "Let's find out, shall we?"

Seb thought for a moment and realized he'd--heh--run up against a wall. However, despite that terrible pun, he thought of a solution quickly.

"Molly, if I let go of you on one half, I might drop you, but you're against the wall and won't fall if you let go of me. Could you help me get my genitals in place?" It was not the strangest thing he'd ever asked for, but it came pretty close. However, she said 'sure' and assisted him in entering her. She clung to his shoulders again. "It's a bit... different," she mumbled.

"Bad different or good different?" Jim piped up. Molly shrugged. Seb began to roll his hips up into her. Jim watched, somewhere between confused, transfixed, and aroused. Part of the arousal was the reaction of "I wonder how it would feel if he did that to me," and part was interest at the way Molly shifted her hips. He knew she was just trying to find the best positioning for clitoral stimulation, but it was quite interesting to watch, especially when she had it figured out. Oh, that was actually quite... Jim was sad his camera was out of batteries.

Eventually, Molly and Seb collapsed into an awkward, panting, mildly sticky heap. There was a lengthy pause, and then the bit of Molly's brain that did logic came back online. "God damn it, Jim, I let you come all over my apron, no!"

"It's okay, I know a very discreet dry cleaner," Jim said cheerfully, removing the tie and joining the awkward pile of Seb and Molly, which he viewed as the most desirable article of furniture in the whole dwelling. "Also, there is a cake, but we need to ice it, and I refuse to ice it if you people will be making sexual innuendoes with the icing, it is pink, semen should not be pink."

And on that note, the end.

**Author's Note:**

> I would have given it a longer ending, but the ending involves them eating a cake and I don't yet know for sure if cherry and rose go well together, so.


End file.
